Are you burning time?”

I always thought that if I found out that I had cancer I would be devastated. My initial reaction was “Oh, I didn’t expect that’. I wondered if I didn’t fully comprehend what it meant. It’s been very interesting these few weeks, looking at what it could or should mean. I feel great; I’m relaxed and calm and intrigued by it all. It seems to be a rather creative process, like a puzzle that needs to be worked out. It also seems to be a group event and my family and friends have joined in.

There has been so much discussion about life, death and beyond. My experience has become our experience and it’s like a group painting. Anyone can add or erase any colour or shape to the canvass. We are painting blind much of the time and the picture keeps unfolding as something different each time we return to it. At the moment it is my story, but everyone has imagined it as their own possibility as well. They have imagined their lives without me in it, and also imagined themselves in my position. They all want to keep me here and they are all searching for ways to help me to do that.

When a doctor says “it’s cancerous” it takes on some sense of authority. It’s cancerous really means very little in the whole scheme of things, but our interpretation is that it means you are going to die. It took me a while to question that and realize that is was nothing more than a slight percentage of a possibility. It felt a bit like being handed a card with my expiry date written on it. On the card it says, “Sooner than you thought!” It also says accelerate what’s important and make sure you clean up before you leave – get right with everyone and make sure you leave no regrets. Only people matter. Did I love enough, laugh enough and live enough? Did my life add to others, did I teach, heal or touch them?

Cancer says “Are you paying attention?” and “Are you burning time?” I can assure you that I am in the moment right now. I am really enjoying everything going on around me.

People have said that I seem very calm about it all; brave and together. I can’t see what all of the fuss is about, but I do feel that I should play out, “The what if…” to some degree. I will explore all of that soon, but right now, I have a couple of rules that I have tried to live by and the first one is ‘Be here as much as possible’. Living in the past or future robs us of life and often takes us to fear or regret. My second rule is “Don’t make big out of little” it’s destructive to exaggerate our problems. My third rule is to acknowledge that, ‘What is – is.’ Sometimes things can’t be changed or solved, there is a time to surrender and allow the process to play itself out.

Keep your focus only on what is within this moment. Don’t allow yourself to dramatize or magnify this. Accept what can not be changed, relax into it and trust in the unknown.