how exhilarating and exciting cancer is.

It’s easy to become overwhelmed or obsessive about cancer when it applies to yourself. There is such a strong, "Cancer in the Air” consciousness, at the moment. We have all been well and truly programmed to fear cancer. (And perhaps to expect it.) Every one has a secret fear of it - it reminds me so much of Russian roulette; we are all expecting someone we love or ourselves to be hit. I detest the ads put out by the anti cancer campaign. The power of suggestion, visual images and repetitive warnings about smoking and other carcinogenic bombard us daily. They will argue that it is good intention and education, but I believe that we are all being hypnotised into believing that cancer is inevitable. Fear and stress creates cancer too!

We are being bombarded with thoughts about cancer. I challenge anyone to deny that they haven’t thought about cancer when they have had a slight pain; a headache is enough to wonder about brain tumours, feeling tired and run down or having a cough will often have us worrying that it might be cancer. Our fear of cancer is becoming neurotic and I believe that that is dangerous within its own right. The message that cancer kills is probably the worst part of the cancer campaign. How can people heal and recover if they believe they are going to die?

It’s interesting, in a perverted kind of way, that I should get cancer. Having studied and written so much about the creative power of thoughts and emotions, healing through visualization and affirmations, the importance of self love and the destructive forces of fear; it all comes back to challenge me now. Is this my baptism of fire?

This has been one of the most challenging things I have ever had to deal with. It’s not a problem you can sort out in your own time - my choices might be a matter of life or death. Most of the solutions seem to be contradictory, so any advice can’t be completely trusted. No one has all the answers - just statistics and probabilities.

Sometimes I need to talk and sometimes I need silence and self-nurturing; a bit of space and time to clarify things. I'm very lucky to have people around me who listen when I need to talk.

I can't handle too much advice and everyone wants to give me advice. I understand this and need to allow it. It’s not all about me it is about us. Anyone who cares about me is in this with me. I need to be more sensitive and aware of that. They are scared and hurting too. We all feel helpless and we all chase hope in some form. Everyone comes back to me with a new treatment or a new idea about the cause or examples of other people. They do this because they are desperate to find the answer for me.

Sometimes it confuses me and makes me tense; it’s too much information. The Doctors overload me with information and then everyone else has an opinion about it and alternatives to it. I am also guilty of searching for my own answers and it becomes hypnotic.

What really helps is, knowing that people are available when and if I need to talk. Humour and normality or just connection keeps my head clear and my thoughts and emotions are everything at the moment. There have been many times lately, that I have held my friends captive for hours at a time, while I poured out my thoughts. I wonder if they know how helpful and healing and special that has been.

It sometimes over burdens me when I realize that I have said too much and have passed the baton to others. People are so strong and supportive when I speak with them and that helps a lot, but I have now seen that they often go away and crash. Sometimes, I need to be the one to comfort my friends, as my situation is bringing up a lot of fear and sadness in them as well. They are being challenged too and more than once, I have heard people say, "If this can happen to you then what chance have I got?"

It’s an added pressure as I feel like I must (and I do believe I will) defeat this, for myself as well as everyone else.

There seems to be an inbuilt compulsion within us to heal others. Empathy is a wonderful thing, but too much is dangerous as well. Sometimes it’s a matter of ego wanting to play God or changeanother's destiny. If and when we are unable to change it, we feel guilty, angry or inadequate. Sadly, some are now questioning their faith and feeling that they are being ignored by God or that whatever it is that has held them together. Loss of hope is a most destructive force.

What Ihadn’t imagined and still find fascinating is how exhilarating and exciting cancer is. I have written much about the importance of living in the moment, but I have never achieved such presence as I have now. Every minute is a blessing; it seems like there are new colours, new notes of music, a brighter light and infinite depth and width. Trivia, complaint, worry and cynicism has dissipated. No regrets, no blame or judgement, just an easy, peaceful acceptance that everything has purpose. When you take away yesterday and tomorrow, everything is so easily managed. I can’t afford expectations so I have little desire for anything other than to live and to live well. Today I am alive and that gives me every reason to live it fully in ways that make it my own creation.

I am done with fear. The ultimate fear is death; we have been in consultation now for weeks. I have heard him call and I know what he wants, but I am not yet ready to become his bride. Deep within my knowing, I accept that he is simply calling me home and when I am ready I will welcome him. I am not ready to be torn from my body. I am not willing to despise and hate my body so much that I will beg to be released from it. No, when the time is right I will be prepared and I will exit like mist rising. I am still not clear about the need to choose one against the other. I would like to experience living in both worlds consciously. I think it is very possible to die deliberately, painlessly and joyfully and at a time of my own convenience.

The best thing about cancer is the love. Love is no longer abstract. Love is so much more than I imagined. I don’t have time or inclination to fear it or test it or challenge its agendas. I have never been so receptive to it or so generous with it. What an amazingly different life I could have had if I had trusted it this much before. Love has never been out to get me or weaken me or humiliate me. Betrayal and abandonment have nothing to do with love. I love strangers, words, things, air and water, dramas, confusion, everything and anything and more everything.

I really love the people who love me. I can’t believe how filtered I have been in accepting this. I have been awkward, blasé, frugal, indifferent and suspicious without realizing it. Their love is now my medicine and I will take as much as they offer. They keep pouring it into me and I keep pouring it back out. We cry together, touch each other and listen like never before. There is so much laughter going on between us and such a profound level of trust and truth between us.

And my body, my magnificent, beautiful, genius masterpiece – how I love you!

Copyright Sonya Green 2008 www.reinventingmyself.com
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