Its not over yet, sweetpea.

Yesterday, my sister and brother in law came with me again to the follow up consultation. They have read up on radiation therapy and were prepared for my resistance. (They know me well) On the drive into town, I started on about how I knew the doctors were going to push for radiation and I kept saying why kill off perfectly good cells for the sake of a possibility. I’m apprehensive about the side effects and long term effects of radiation.

Aren’t we trying to fix something that might not even be broken? Am I swapping one possible problem for another more predictable problem? If the lump is out and the nodes are clear, then why are we looking at frying perfectly good tissue? If it made any logical sense, then why not radiate the entire body? Why not radiate everyone in the country, every couple of years, as a preventative measure?

Let’s get the facts first. Let’s be open minded. Don’t make the doctors the enemy – they are on your side here. You get the ultimate choice, so why not hear them out? If it gives you a better chance of preventing this from reoccurring, isn’t this better than going through it all again later? Do you know of a better option? Are you willing to risk your life for a natural therapy that has no track record? Will you ever have peace of mind or will you become paranoid for the rest of your life? Are you willing to have mammograms every couple of months to stay on top of it? Will this do your head in…?

Lovely Leslie greeted us and sat with us during the meeting with Ming and Mary. I don’t know what Leslie’s title is but she seems to be my go between and support system. She’s fantastic; she welcomes questions and answers them like a family member who works in the industry. No rules or judgements but everything is explained simply, patiently and compassionately.

I breeze into the room and want to hug Ming, but instead I smile and tell him how wonderful I think he is and what a great job he has done. He takes a deep breath, looks away for a split second, then looks directly at me and speaks with that soft, clear voice…It’s not over yet.

That’s not exactly what he said, but that all I could understand. Thankfully, Leslie and my tribe were there and they fired questions at him and listened, while I waited for the room to stop screaming and spinning. Make him stop talking! Make him take it back and apologize. Tell me it’s wrong. No, No, No. I’ve been good, I’ve kept positive, and I have eaten well and exercised. I have been punished and I’ll be good. What can I do or what can I give you to take this away. It’s my sister’s birthday on Saturday, don’t let her hear this. I’ve done my bit, I’ve come as far as I can handle and damn it, I’ve done it well. I want to swear, I want to swear hard, I want to say the F word out loud and then I replace it with the C word, but they aren’t strong enough, so I wonder for a second of about a newer, harder, tougher swear word, but I can’t find it and he keeps talking.

Copyright Sonya Green 2008 www.reinventingmyself.com
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