CAT scan

Many years ago, I was discussing a pap smear with my friend C and she said that it never occurred to her to question a doctor. She just went in and had tests or took the medication without thinking about it. She seemed intrigued or impressed by my desire to know how, when, why and what if…curiosity. My mother is the same; she just thinks that the title of authority is the same as an absolute truth.

What really impresses me about the staff at RPH is that they welcome questions, answer in simple terms and sometimes use diagrams or metaphors if required. More importantly, they never give me the feeling that they have said all of this a thousand times before. There is no hint of impatience, no question is a stupid question and at no time have I ever felt that I am not being treated as an important individual. Logically, I know that they have all heard it before and they probably think to themselves that I am in denial, fearful or clutching at straws. I have never felt rushed, dismissed, condescended or processed. When I become resistant, they reassure me that they will respect and support my right to choose treatments. They have said many times, they want to inform me and will offer advice, but in the end, if I choose to walk away, then I would be free to do so. If I turn back at a later date, then there would be no judgements or ‘I told you so.’

I trust these people; they are talented, compassionate, knowledgeable and honest. What bothers me is that I do not trust their science completely. I don’t trust myself completely either. I am still waiting for a sense of certainty to show up. I am relying on my inner wisdom to speak loudly, clearly and truthfully to me. I speak to my body everyday, but so far, we are having difficulty identifying what is fear, resistance, denial or inner knowing. My body does not want to be traumatized or harmed in any way. Surgery, biopsies, x-rays and medications are all invasive and my body objects.

I question the radiologist about the CAT scan. She rattles off statistics and comparisons to other types of radiation right down to TV sets and computer screens. Somewhere within the possible side effects I hear her say that cancer is a possible side effect. I must have looked stunned because she quickly added, “But you already have cancer!” It still shocks me and I really don’t completely accept this. I seem to be more concerned with the side effects of the treatments than I am with the devastation of the disease. Am I distracting myself worrying about the treatments because they are only possibilities? Whereas, the disease is really the issue and I’m avoiding the fact that it is the worst side effect of all - and it actually exists here and now.

The scans were really quite simple. I had to lie still for around 20 minutes, it could have felt a little claustrophobic, but I closed my eyes and went to my happy place instead. They injected something into me which made my insides heat up a few degrees. Thankfully they warned me about this, as it would have frightened me if they hadn’t, I told myself it was just another type of a hot flush. I was told later that sometimes people pee their pants.

I spent 4 hours at the hospital having these tests. The iodine needed 3 hours to work through my body so much of the time was spent waiting around, reading, watching TV and talking with friendly strangers.


A few days later, I developed a rash; it so bad that I thought it was the Measles. I scratched so hard that I ripped into my skin and hardly slept at night and was embarrassed to leave the house. It lasted a week, I used very lotion and potion I could find, but nothing helped. I took Panadol every day to stop the burning and to help me sleep. I probably should have gone back to the hospital, but I was sure they would give me more drugs and I just couldn’t cope. I felt really angry that they had poisoned me. They asked me 3 times if I was allergic to iodine and I had said no, but thinking about it now, I realize I should have said, “Well, I have never drunk 3 cups of it before, so how the hell would I know?”

Copyright Sonya Green 2008 www.reinventingmyself.com
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